My Kid is 18 Now! What Do I Do?

Ah, the magic age! The fantasy of some parents is that parenting is done now that their teen is “officially” (in some circumstances) an adult. For others, the reality of having less control over the situations that ensure the well-being of your teen is frightening. And for others, the fact that your teen is claiming to be an adult and suddenly wants more adult privileges is a source of contention. 

The reality is that your teen is headed for the best part of their lives- they are dependent enough to still have the advantages of being taken care of to some degree and independent enough to have a right to do more what they want. Usually their food and shelter are paid for still by you, even if for some, it is to a lesser extent. At the same time, they might not live at home and have more freedom and can engage in activities, but not necessarily with cautious judgment. This age can be a source of anxiety for a parent.

On top of that, if your 18 yr old has left the nest and is living at college or in an apartment, there can be an emptiness in your household and it is okay to grieve their absence. 

If your 18 yr old is still in high school and graduation is looming, there is an entire agenda that needs to be put in place: applying to college; making a plan for a gap year (recommend a solid plan- including work, where to live, how to pay for it- even rent at home, and a purpose for the gap year), applying for a job and looking for an apartment, or apartment mates. 

If you think you are feeling anxious, you can imagine what your teen is feeling. They have been waiting for this day but now that it is here (or on the horizon), the reality that they actually have to do some “adulting” is scary. Often their response is to have one last wild hurrah rather than bite the bullet and figure out what their responsibilities are going to be and develop a plan that they can execute to meet those goals.

As a parent, your responsibility is to talk with them, ask questions, give them choices, and together work out a plan, one that is feasible, financially realistic, and that helps launch them towards adulthood while at the same time, providing some safety, a transition. It is as if they get a bicycle, no longer a tricycle, but they may still need some training wheels.

On the other hand, while they may be ready to take off, you may not be ready for that to happen. Encourage them to humor you, to help you, to help you allay your anxiety as you watch them flap their wings and try to fly out of the nest, by communicating with you, letting you know how they are doing and what they are up to. Not  as a requirement for them, but as a gift from them!

Just remember, you’ve gotten them this far! Enjoy the moment!