Co-Parenting When It Seems Impossible

As a parent coach who has worked with court referred co-parenting cases, I can assure you that there are ways to manage a difficult ex in order to do what is best for your child.

The problem is that each parent has their own narrative to which they are very attached. When a therapist hears one side, it sounds very very reasonable. And then, the other side is heard and that sounds reasonable. So were is the truth? Each narrative is true. It is also filtered through a lot of hurts and resentments so it is shaped differently. If a therapist could help them work through all that, well- that’s what marriage counseling is for. 

So how does parent coaching help divorced parents co-parent when each is carrying a load of resentments and hurts? The key is to help them develop a unified perspective of what their teen needs. With teens, it is a little easier, because the parent coach can talk with them and find out how they view each parent, where the pressures are, whose love they are afraid of losing, who do they want to please more, who makes them feel okay to be them and not feel judged. True, they don’t open up right away, but it doesn’t take long to get the bigger picture.

Some parents actually do learn how to put aside their differences, how to stop trying to “win,” have their point of view validated by the other parent, be more “right.” Some parents even learn how to cooperate in terms of being flexible with regard to schedules, and property (rather than, “you can’t bring that to daddy’s because I bought it and it stays here” for example).

In “impossible” situations, it is true, there may be one parent who is less willing to compromise, to accommodate, to let go of resentments for the sake of their child. The key then is to help the more rational parent stop trying to change the other parent, to accept that it is what it is. Sometimes the more rational parent has to put up with the aggravation and it’s okay to be aggravated as long as that frustration is shared with another adult, away from your child. The most important thing you can do is provide an emotionally safe, supportive, loving environment for your teen. Ultimately, your behaviors will speak for themselves- even when your teen cannot admit it for fear of betraying the other parent. Teens are bright. Underneath it, they know their parents and they sort out, on their own, who is the emotionally safe for them. 

The big “NO” is not to put down the other parent, even when they are putting you down. In fact, the less focus and energy on the other, and the more on a loving relationship with your child, the better off your child will be. You can only do your part. Set boundaries, be consistent, be empathetic, be open and loving. That is more than enough!