Fix-itis
All too often the talk is about our teens, their fears, their anxieties, their failures. We are often so involved in helping them succeed… or even just function… that we lose sight of what is going on inside of us. Parents are often in fix-it mode, which I call “fix-itis!”
What is the root cause of “fix-itis”? Sometimes it is a childhood role. Some of us were responsible for the emotional well-being of our family of origin. Other times it is based on our experience: when we see a situation evolving, our “experience” tells us that if this continues in the direction it is going, a catastrophe will occur. Some of us, for example, may have said to an older sibling, “If you treat your younger sister this way, you will treat your wife this way!” As parents, we become afraid to let our kids continue on a path that our experience has told us could- not will- but could lead to a disastrous outcome and we feel it is our duty to avert that disaster. There are so many: if he continues to get bad grades in his senior year, he won’t get into the colleges he wants and then he’ll be devastated; he may even commit suicide; or he’ll suffer failure-to-launch and be living in our basement for the rest of his life; Yes, she broke the rules, but if we don’t let her go to that party, a chance for her to finally be accepted, she’ll be an outcast for the rest of her life. “If …. She/He…. Will….Forever.”
How many of us, despite our dire predictions, when we let go, find ourselves surprised, surprised that our teen actually came up with a solution not in our mental data base! Case in point: throughout school, I know a young woman, rebellious in high school, who hardly seemed to study- at least not the way mom would have. In grad school, she even had textbooks still in their original wrappers yet she aced her classes to the point that one professor told her that students like her make teachers feel obsolete. Once mom stepped back and stopped catastrophizing, once she let her do things her way, she blossomed and became all she could be. By giving her the opportunity to own her path for herself, her achievements became fully hers and… she did it in a way that mom to this day can’t fathom how!
The Age of Psychology has placed a great burden on parents. We often parent too earnestly. We feel a responsibility, a duty to pave the way as smoothly as possible for our teens. We want to “fix it.” We want to spare them the struggles and the pain, the very process that makes us who we are today. Don’t deprive them of figuring things out for themselves. Don’t let your “fix-itis” infect them!!