How Can I Spend Time with My Teen When They Don’t Want Me To?

I cannot count all the times I have heard parents say that they invite their teen to spend time with them, watch tv, go out to lunch, spend an afternoon shopping, and they would rather be in their room communicating with their friends or go to the mall without their parents and shop with their friends.

As for dinner together, as parents are running around taking this child to soccer practice, the other to cheerleading and a third to dance class, not to mention the games themselves, the dance competitions, and cheerleading events, PLUS of course, getting schoolwork done, where is the time left to experience life as a family? Where is the time to enjoy one another and not always be so task-focused or achievement focused?

Some of this is normal. As parents you just aren’t going to be as interesting to them as their peers. Yet, parents who have good relationships with their teens manage to be there for those moments where their teen opens up and they say just the right thing or they laugh together or they listen to each other. 

When a teen feels that you hear them, you see them- the real them inside, the part of them that wants to be good, that wants to loving, they will be more receptive to spending time with you. When they know this you can even say “no” to their BIG wants, and they will be okay with it- well, after a moment’s protest and one last try to get their way, they will be okay. 

When a teen feels you understand their point of view, even if you disagree, when they feel you have actually given consideration to their wants, rather than adhere automatically to a rule, even if you ultimately say “no,” they will be okay.

You see, it’s not about the actual time spent together; it’s not about the tasks or the rules; it’s not about pleasing them or consequencing them. It’s about the relationship, a relationship where they can rely on you to be there, hear their pain, engage in the unpleasant task of saying “no,” when necessary…. for their sake, and making the except to the rule, when it is safe to do so, because you also trust them, because you are giving them the chance to live up to your expectations. And when you have that relationship with them, they will take the time to share their lives with you!