How to Get Your Teen to Talk to You
There are dozens of books on how to get your teen to talk to you, and probably the most common advice you will get is to just listen. That is good advice. Listen without asking questions such as “why?” Listen without evaluating/judging what they are saying. Listen by responding to what is not said, not just what is said. Listen by hearing what they really want-acknowledgement that you understand their point of view, even when you disagree with them. Listen without offering unsolicited advice. Listen with respect. All of these are essential in allowing your teen to feel safe enough to want to tell you more.
In a movie, where a teen was trying to tell his dad that he felt “cut in half” since his dad left his mom for another woman, dad should have listened. He should not have asked “why,” as he did in the movie, because teens often don’t have the tools to identify the “why” of their big feelings. He could have said, “tell me more of what that was like for you,” or “what could I have done differently after the divorce that might have made it better for you.” There are many ways to meet a teen where they are at and get them to open up further.
The one thing I don’t see in the advice manuals is not talking, not asking questions, not intruding. If they make it clear that they don’t want to talk to you, then keep your communication to the practical: “You have 10 minutes before you have to go to soccer practice.” This doesn’t mean don’t show interest. You could provide the invitation, “I would love to hear what was special about your day today … if you feel like sharing,” or “I can sense from your expression that something didn’t go right today and I’m here if you want to talk about it.” After the invitation, if they don’t want to open up, leave them alone. You can, if you wish, and it might be a good idea, announce that you notice your teen is no longer opening up and that you are willing to give them the space. You just want to let them know, that you are here if they need you and that you’re giving them that space is not a sign of lack of interest on your part. Given how teens often put us in a ‘damned if we do, damned if we don’t” predicament, laying it all out in the open might just be the best policy!
Just remember this: when you have a good relationship with your teen, when your teen knows that if they share something with you, that you will not judge them or make them feel more anxious or ashamed, they will open up in the right moment…. Even if they don’t talk to you much the rest of the week. Just be there. Be ready. And it will happen!