How to Talk So Your Teen Will Listen

How was school today? Fine.

What did you do today? Nothing.

Can you take out the trash? Okay (and then doesn’t).

Please put down the phone? I want to talk to you. (rolls eyes and walks away with the phone)

Why did get an F in biology? I don’t know.

Teenage years can be hard for parents. From a chatty, open, pleasant pre-teen, they seem recalcitrant, unwilling to share, moody and just hard to connect with. At least, some of the time. Parents often describe how they attempt to reach out and just can’t connect in a positive way. What has gone wrong?

Part of the issue is that teens are peer-driven. They can be open, talkative, engaged with their friends but clam up around their parents, simply because adults, to them, just aren’t’ that interesting and parenting during these years is often shaped by driving them here and there, checking to see if their schoolwork is done, rushing to get through dinner because a sibling has choir practice, keeping track of all the practical realities that involve modern life. 

Other times it is more serious. Your teen doesn’t feel understood. Your teen has built up resentments towards you. Your teen feels like you are too controlling. Your teen feels your are negative or too judgmental. When teens feels this way, they won’t share. They won’t open up. They will withdraw.

What can you do?

When they say something, give a validating or empathetic response: “No one likes me.” Response (R): “that has to be really painful for you.” Period. No unsolicited advice. No asking who. Let the silence work for you. If they don’t say anything else, you can add, “if you want to talk about it, I’m here.” No more. Less is more! 

As your relationship improves, you can ask open-ended questions? What made you come to that conclusion? Is this the first time you felt like this? Is someone making people not like you? Etc.

If you want to know about school- what is something that you did today that you… feel proud of… that you… enjoyed doing… that …ticked you off? Etc. Be specific. 

And regarding the phone- you could jokingly say, “I’m jealous of the phone! I miss you!” 

The key to emotional safety which invites your teen to be open with you, is no judgement, no unsolicited advice, no criticism. There are times you have to be in parent mode and there are boundaries that have to be in place, but taking advantage of quiet time so your teen will talk to you, well, that really isn’t that complicated. Be present. Be attentive. Be a place.