Letting Go of Your Fantasy Child and Embracing the Real One
When we hold our newborn infant in our arms for the first time, life is full of nothing but good possibilities. The joy is indescribable. Then, little by little, our darling starts to surface. Like all human relationships, that will eventually entail conflict, competing egos, competing needs.
The life we envisioned for our newborn, say – just as an example- elementary school, middle and high schools, 4 years of college and if so inclined, grad school, a happy marriage and a successful career and ultimately, grandchildren. A lovely trajectory. A life that turned out either like ours, or far better. What is wrong with that? Nothing! Only we have suddenly found ourselves with this little stranger who may just not want the life we ed for them! We are now faced with the idea that our formula for happiness for our child has been cast out!
Along the way, there may have been little signs- your daughter doesn’t like pink tutus, or your son would rather do finger painting than play sports. Once your child becomes a teenager, there are even more adjustments. Your teen may be extremely independent and consequently not one to follow the rules the way you did when you were their age. They may be rude to adults and say things not only to you, but to teachers that actually mortify you! They may seem selfish or entitled, or angry all the time. The list can go on and on.
Part of the challenge and yes, the ultimate joy of parenting, is letting go of the dream child we held in our arms and embracing who they are becoming, even when they are in full blown acting out stages. Even then, when you have no idea what they will become and your experience in the moment is that you don’t even like them part of the time, there will be little golden nuggets that hint at the future in a good way- the compassionate way they treated a friend who lost a parent; the time they snuggled up to you and just wanted to be held even though they’d been yelling at you for the last month; the time they shared with you what they were struggling with while at the same time rejecting your advice; As you learn to let go of your “shoulds,” how they “should” be according to your fantasy plan for their successful/happy life, you will come to accept and embrace the reality of who they really are: separate from you, unlike you, but special in ways you are just discovering. Who they really are in there- you just have to be quiet and listen; see their light…
Let Go and Let It Happen and you will be Amazed!