Life is Like That: When Your Teen Says “It’s Not Fair”

There is so much pressure on parents today. If you expect too much of your teen, you are pressuring if them. If you don’t expect enough, you are coddling them. If they are not happy, it is your fault. If they are happy, well, that’s because they are getting their way or you are agreeing with them, or you are letting them do what they want because you are just plain tired of the arguments and the hassles of holding the line, at least…. today.

Consistency,  predictability and structure are what makes both younger children AND teens feel safe. When they know there are reasonable expectations, they will be better able to cope.

One of the most confusing situations for teens is when parents try to please them or when teens succeed in persuading parents to get their way because they “can’t” do something, such as go to school. 

Part of the source of all the pressure parents feel today is due to the fact that our culture is creating a mindset of the right to be a victim. As a result, your teen may believe that if they are struggling, if they are unhappy, if they are just uncomfortable, that they don’t have to function and we buy into that.

A teen who is blind or one who has to use a wheelchair has been dealt a more difficult hand. So has a teen who struggles with anxiety or depression. The blind teen or the paraplegic teen knows they have to get up, brush their teeth, go to school and create a life that will ultimately lead them to independence. They know life is tough and they have learned how not to wallow in it. Teens with anxiety and/or depression have also been dealt a difficult hand. They too have biological factors that have made them vulnerable. They will struggle to do tasks that a teen who doesn’t suffer from anxiety and/or depression does without thinking.

That’s the deal. Fair or not, life is like that. At some point, the majority of us will have something we struggle with. At some point, the majority of us will feel overwhelmed by a left curve that life throws us. 

So the big question is, how can you, as a parent, encourage your child to deal with the “unfair” fact that they have to struggle more than most to do basic, simple tasks?

First empathize. Don’t sympathize and go into the pit with them. Don’t feel their pain as if it were your own but empathize. Empathy means validating their feelings, understanding their pain without owning their pain as your own. It means that after you validate, you extend your hand into the pit and as they grab your hand, they climb out themselves.

So after you empathize and validate, you encourage them by believing in them, in what they can do. 

Easier said than done, believe me, I know. But it is possible. And above all, it is essential. That’s how resilience is created!