Parents, It’s Not About You!
Situation I: Have you ever had your teen yell at you, “You always make it all about you!” Here you were, thinking you were being empathetic when you shared a similar experience that they were struggling with, and they react like that!
Situation 2: Have you ever thought to yourself, “I don’t get it. That’s not how I would have handled it.”
Situation 3: Have you ever felt your teen’s pain as if it were your own, having feelings so intense, you feel overwhelmed and helpless, unable to help them see a way out?
What do the above scenarios have in common? In the first scenario, the parent is trying to be empathetic but somehow misses the boat. In the second scenario, the parent is trying to make sense out of their teen’s response to a situation that is alien to their way of thinking and experience. In the third scenario, the parent is reliving their own pain as they watch their teen struggle. In ALL the scenarios, the parent is having a hard time stepping outside of themselves and really hearing their teen from their teen’s perspective.
The question is: how can we get out of our own way so we can really listen to our child, so we can really hear them?
The good news is that it is not as complicated as it sounds. When in doubt, say less. Ask more. In the first scenario, for example, you could say, “I am trying to understand what you are going through. I know this isn’t the same and it may even sound trivial, but when I…. (describe your experience), I felt…..(what you imagine they feel now). I imagine if I multiplied those feelings by 100 times, that is what you are going through. Am I getting it? If not, help me understand….”
In the second scenario, it is important to understand that your child is not you. Your teen needs to figure out what works best for them and they may trip and fall along the way, but that’s okay. They won’t take the nice, clear path to resolution, a path that is so obvious to us. However, by allowing them to figure things out their way, to discover what works and what doesn’t, they will be better prepared for adulthood. Our role is to cheer them on and when they fall, help them help themselves up again!
In the third scenario, it is important to distinguish between what is their pain and what is ours. Sometimes, we feel so much pain ( anxiety, fear, reliving a situation, etc.) on behalf of our teens that we cannot help them. We may overreact and try to fix the problem (to make OUR pain go away as fast as it can) or we may avoid it all together (so we don’t feel our pain).
In all three situations, if we can stop tripping over ourselves- our anxiety, our practicality, our fears, our pain and be fully present with our teen, we can discover their inner strengths while at the same time, providing them with a safe place to figure things out for themselves.