The Gift of Failure
I get it! The thinking is this: if I allow my teen to fail (say, not do their homework or not study for a test, especially if they have been struggling with anxiety and/or depression), and they fail, my fear is that they’ll feel bad about themselves, and get more depressed, right? Possibly. Or not. The truth is a teen who is depressed or anxious, or both, already feels bad about themselves and we can make it worse. We do this by trying to get them through, by fixing the situation for them. A teen who is not depressed or anxious- they may be ADHD or just not motivated, also benefits from natural consequences. In any of these cases, if we deprive them of the gift of failure, we send them the message that they cannot manage their time, their emotions, their lives. We are nurturing their struggles not their strengths.
What happens when we rescue them? What happens when we stay up to the 11th hour helping them get their project done, a project they had a month to do and now it has to be done all at once. If this is a pattern, then all we have done is taught them that there will always be a safety net if they give in to their anxieties, their wants, their lack of time mismanagement. Without natural consequences, there is no motivation to change their pattern.
What is more important, however, is the message we send. When we are more invested in their school, or their social life, or their achievements, or their sports than they are, we deprive them of their belief in themselves. What we do when we step in is send the message that they can’t do it without our help. We reinforce their greatest fears about themselves and that, in turn, makes them more helpless. Ironically, the very situation we are trying to avert, low self-esteem is what we inadvertently contribute to.
When they fail because of time mismanagement, they will learn from the natural consequences if we let them. When they really want something, they will be willing to accept support to change that pattern. When they fail because of lack of motivation, it is an opportunity for them to assess why, to ask themselves what they really want, what lights their fire. When they fail because they just have to do something, such as take a certain course they hate, they have to decide the profit and loss of not jumping through the hoops; life is like that. When they fail because of anxiety and avoidance- and yes, this is a really tough one for parents- they can get there when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change. That is actually a deeper topic in terms of what parents can do when that is the situation, but the one thing that is essential to remember is that when you help them avoid due to anxiety, the anxiety gets bigger and the helplessness becomes greater. If they fail because they tried and just couldn’t succeed, well that’s not a bad thing at all. They gave it their best and they can find out what support they need if they want to try again, and figure out, with your help, what were the obstacles.
What we as parents need to ask ourselves is why is it so important to us that they not fail? What is going on inside ourselves emotionally that makes us more invested in their achievements than they are? What are we trying to avoid, fix (such as the future catastrophe before it happens), or feel? As we answer those questions, we will have greater clarity that will enable us to be better parents!