Tips for Validating Your Teen

“I just can’t validate my kids. I feel like I’m encouraging them to … (fail, be rude, be angry, be lazy, be a victim…”   Parents who struggle with this idea tend to mix up agreeing with validating. Validation is a skill completely different from agreeing with your teen. 

When you validate your teen, they get that you get them! While, yes, if they can get you to give into the demand of the moment, they will, but what they need most is that even if the answer is “no” you have heard their point of view. When you validate your teen, it means you have considered their experiences and desires from their perspective. As a responsible parent, it doesn’t mean you have to agree with interpretation or reasoning, but you really get how they got there. When a teen feels heard, when they feel that you have considered what they need, they will be more willing to accept a different perspective- yours! You are not the enemy to them when they feel heard who wields power without reason. You are the thoughtful parent who considers their desires, their wants and before jumping to what seems to them an arbitrary conclusion. Validation leads to collaboration with your teen. It helps build a relationship that makes them willing to allow you to set boundaries because they trust you have their best interests at heart… even if when they don’t agree with your conclusions, they know you came to them from a thoughtful consideration of their feelings.

There are times that your teen needs validation that is not related to wanting permission to do something, go somewhere, get something. They often need validation when they are hurting, when they struggle with peer relationships or struggle in school. The hard part for we parents is that we often can see the simple, straight path that they can take to either solve their situation or not create the situation (as in self-sabotage). The temptation is to pass on the wisdom when what they need in moments of pain is your understanding of how they are stuck in the pit of their own misery. That is the time to validate: “That does seem unfair” (what you don’t say is, “I can’t believe your upset over that. You have a very good life and have no idea what it means to struggle” or “Life is unfair. You may as well get used to it”);  “that really hurts,”  (what you don’t say is “if you stopped lying your friends wouldn’t turn on you”); “that’s scary that you may have to go to summer school” (what you don’t say is, “ If you had just handed in your assignments on time you wouldn’t  be in this position.”) 

Remember the cardinal rule of validation: when your teen is struggling emotionally, for whatever reason, even if it is a situation of their own making, that moment is NOT a teachable moment. Those moments come later! Your relationship will be more collaborative, when they feel emotionally safe with you, when they can express their misery and not feel judged. Once that foundation is laid, then and only then, can you move towards more active support and collaborative problem-solving.