Understanding Your Teen’s Brain: How Adolescence Affects Behavior
Most people don’t realize that by the time their child becomes a teenager, their brain is developed in size but not in form. The brain does not fully mature until mid to late twenties and it is the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for making good decisions, not being impulsive, planning and prioritizing.
Add to this mix the fact that the adolescent brain is more susceptible to stress than an adult brain so that mental illnesses are more likely to surface at this point in time. Fortunately, the brain is resilient and can actually change, as they mature and learn to cope better with stress (mediation, for example, actually changes the structure of the brain for the better). Nevertheless, the stressors your teen has to deal with often create more stress for their parents increasing parental anxiety which then adds to the stress!
On top of that, melatonin levels stay high in adolescents late at night and drop in the morning so they really are more like night owls. Consequently, they often don’t get the sleep they need. Be patient. Help them find a rhythm that works for them.
And the final factor is that the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that is also responsible for social processes. Because peer relationships during the period are of primary importance, teens often take more social risks because the social benefits, in their minds, outweigh the potential consequences.
What can parents do?
Understand that teens aren’t always defying you or even thinking about you. Their impulses are driven by strong wants and the inability to really understand connect them to potential consequences drive them. Your role is to be the parent, not a friend, but in such as to way that they realize you have their best interest at heart and that you understand how emotionally painful it can be for them to have boundaries. You hear them, you love them, you get their pain and the answer is still no.
Teens are going to take risks and that can be dangerous. Help them understand that even if there were no consequences, their behavior was reckless or a gamble. How many times have we parents said about ourselves, it’s a miracle we made it to adulthood!
Be there for them during their emotional crises. Listen, empathize, don’t judge (no matter how tempted you are to ask “what the heck were you thinking?” or say, “I told you not to..” Help them understand that mistakes are opportunities for growth.
And remember: managing your own anxiety is paramount because you lose credibility if you overreact. And you can lost the relationship if you overreact. Teens will listen to you against their own desires when the relationship is on solid ground.