How to Forgive Yourself
Have you ever noticed how much is written and said about forgiving other people? We're supposed to forgive them for being rude, or not wearing their mask to ward off Covid-19, or for some other act. Yet how often do we hear that it’s just as important to forgive ourselves? In fact, doing so may be the most important act of forgiveness.
That’s because as we learn how to forgive ourselves, we can do the same for others.
So, what will you be forgiving yourself for?
And, how do you know where to begin to forgive yourself? Just like practicing forgiveness, we’ll take those questions one at a time.
We’ll do that after defining the word forgive and going over some of the benefits of self-forgiveness.
Let’s Define the Word: Forgive
Here are some definitions of the word forgive:
To stop being upset or angry with someone, including blaming them for something they did
To stop feeling mad about something that happened
To release someone from having to pay a bill, as in the term ‘student loan forgiveness’
Now you get the picture that there are many causes of the need for forgiveness. The other thing to think about is the degree of emotion behind the need or desire to forgive. A person may be a little upset or red-hot angry. Thinking about that is one reason for being clear about the benefits of being able to forgive yourself.
The Benefits of Being Able to Forgive Yourself
We’ve presented the idea that when we forgive someone or something it’s an act. We’re also aware that when we forgive it involves identifying and then letting go of an emotional response. We might be angry, mad, or hurt with whomever or whatever provoked our feeling hurt and ready to lash out.
Well, that emotional tension can be harmful. It can affect a person physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. It can cause headaches, stomach knots, anxiety, sleeplessness, an inability to concentrate, or a desire to run away and hide. And that’s just the beginning! Given all of that, it’s relatively easy to see that being able to forgive must be good for a person.
Signs That It’s Time to Forgive Yourself
You may not think that you need to forgive yourself, despite signs indicating otherwise. And yes, some are subtle. Here are examples it’s time to forgive yourself:
The least little annoyance is upsetting or bugs you
You feel angry all or most of the time
Jaw clenching or grinding teeth are signs of tension
You lash out at other people and/or destroy property, including your own
Sleep problems, from nightmares to trouble falling asleep or waking up
Being engaged in forms of self-harm
Taking risks to distract yourself when you get upset or mad
Head and body aches or frequent colds and infections
The bottom line is that by learning to forgive yourself you can avoid or reduce a lot of physical and emotional pain and problems.
Tips for Forgiving Yourself
The first tip is to keep it simple. Focus on one thing that makes you feel guilty, mad at yourself, or just plain bad. Other tips are:
Forgive yourself for that one thing.
If it means apologizing to someone, let them know in person, via text, or a note.
Express what you are feeling, not how you are behaving or acting, such as, “I feel bad” rather than “I am bad.”
Keep in mind you’re doing the best you can for the moment.
Remember that no one is perfect. That’s right…no one!
Focus on your good qualities and that you are worthy of love and care, including from yourself.
How to Forgive Yourself One Day at a Time with DBT
As you can see, there are a number of ways to forgive yourself. Pick one tip and use it for several days. This approach helps you decide if a particular action works for:
Do you feel less emotionally tense or upset?
Do you feel better physically?
The next step is to try another tip. You might find that each one works better for different reasons. Some things you try will help, others not so much. The steps you take are up to you. The most important thing is to regularly forgive yourself.
Here are steps you can take to blend DBT practices with self-forgiveness:
Calming our minds asks you to focus on one thing. It might be your breathing, listening to rustling leaves, or humming a favorite tune to clear upsetting thoughts.
Turn off electronics to help with adjusting your sleep schedule because fatigue and exhaustion contribute to being upset.
Being part of group therapy lets you know you’re not alone with feeling anger. You can learn ideas for how self-forgiveness is working for other teens.
Daily routines that engage your senses can soften anger, such as:
Physical activity…as long as it’s something you like!
The same for music, or perhaps some quiet time.
A cup of tea, maybe some juice, or your favorite fruit. Whatever you pick, savor it.
Asking a parent or good friend to give you a shoulder rub, giving one to them, or patting your best furry friend.
These actions, and those that are similar, can get you out of your head for a while, quieting distressful feelings. You can then take the steps to forgive yourself, one day at a time.
