Parental Alienation: What Is It, and What Can I Do to Help?
One of the most heart-breaking outcomes of a messy divorce is when one parent uses their teen(s) as a pawn to continue to hurt their former spouse. Sometimes the alienating parent is so vindictive that the teen, in order to survive that relationship will ultimately adapt that parent’s animosity towards the other parent, believe their lies despite evidence to the contrary, and treat the non-offending parent with incredible hostility. Often the non-offending parent is the one whose love they know they won’t lose and the alienating parent is the one whose love holds them hostage because it is conditional upon agreeing with that parent.
These are the most extreme situations in a very contentious family dynamic. Often court-ordered co-parenting therapy is ordered or reunification therapy between the alienated parent and child which is where I come in. I get a full history, family of origin of each parent; get the marriage and divorce narrative from each parent; talk with the teens; sometimes talk with other influential figures in the teen’s life such as a grandparent or aunt; talk with the step-parents as well and get their perspective. It is a difficult journey but it can have good results.
The big question is: What can you do or not do when you see your child is being unduly influenced against you by your ex?
Don’t talk badly about your ex. The last thing your teen needs is to feel torn between two parents. This also means not saying anything within hearing of your teen. Remember they WILL hear you when you are venting to a spouse, a friend on the phone, etc. Do not assume they cannot hear you. Find a place outside the home to deal with your own emotions.
Always remain calm when they are making false accusations against you. Try empathy and validation (not agreement).
Do not defend yourself. Just sadly say that you have a different perspective/experience, that they don’t have all the facts and at this time in their lives they don’t need to hear your point of view. All they need to know, you tell them, is that you love them and in the end, you believe love wins out.
Create a family life in your home that is peaceful, loving and emotionally safe. If they express having fun at the other parent’s home, express gladness that they are enjoying themselves there. You don’t want them to feel guilty or feel that they have to hide they are having a good time at your ex’s. They may not be free to do that at your ex’s, to share the good times at your home without feeling guilty. Let their experience speak for itself.
Never complain about money (not getting what is due you for example, not being able to pay for something for them because of it), etc.
Don’t overshare. Your problems with your ex are your problems. Don’t make them theirs.
Never complain about your ex, period- to them and od not parentify them. They are not their for your needs. You are there for theirs.
Even if you don’t see the results right away, trust that your child will ultimately be able to separate out what is true and what isn’t true. Lead by example, not by words.