Parenting Teens with Trauma

Let’s face it! It’s traumatic for parents to discover that their teens have experienced a traumatic event, whether it is cyber bullying, sexual assault, a car accident, accidental shooting, or sudden loss. Sometimes trauma Is not one big event, but a series of smaller intense events that accumulate so it can be hard to recognize and validate your teen’s trauma. 

RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS OF TRAUMA: 

In reaction to traumatic stress, you teen may exhibit Hyperarousal: jumpy, startled easily

Re-experience the event: reliving it. Sometimes, an inexperienced therapist may push too hard to have your teen talk about the event before they are ready. This can retraumatize them. In fact, your teen may give different versions of the event because to tell the entire story all at once is too overwhelming and they can only share what they can barely tolerate. 

Avoidance and withdrawal: many who experience trauma are numb at first, frozen, shut down. They withdraw from friends and other activities they previously enjoyed. They may feel detached, outside of their bodies, lose track of time and space; they may start using substance and they may be dramatic changes in their behaviors: mood swings, extreme response to stress; roller coaster emotions, nightmares or trouble falling or staying asleep; concentration difficulties.

WHAT CAN YOU DO AS A PARENT?

1)     Listen empathetically, but not sympathetically. That means a warm, accepting, nonjudgmental, CALM response. That is empathy. Don’t jump into the bottom of the pit with them or neither one of you will get out. That is sympathy. That is making their pain your pain and to them it is making their trauma all about you. Yes, you will feel shocked. Yes, you will feel distress over your child’s pain, but that is not for them to carry! You can find support for yourself elsewhere. Your teen needs you to be strong and calm, loving and accepting and not intrusive or challenging!

2)     Advocate for them if necessary. 

3)     Understand the trauma’s impact on the entire family

4)     Find a trauma-based therapist who can help your child work through their experience 

5)     Learn as much as you can about trauma so you can understand your teen’s behaviors.

WHAT NOT TO DO:

1)     Do not tell your teen it couldn’t have happened

2)     Do not tell your teen how they “should” feel. If, for example, it was a parent who abused them, there will be mixed feelings of love, hurt, anger, and hate and fear.

3)     Do not tell them to move on, forget or not talk about the past. They need to process this in their own time, in their own way.

4)     Do not challenge their narrative. Understand that when a trauma occurs, initially contradictions may be narrated because the truth is too overwhelming. A good therapist will help them get to where they need to be.

5)     Seek help for yourself, if you need more support and engage in self-care activities to manage your own emotions.