The Next Big Thing in Parenting

We hear a lot about the new trends in parenting, all theme-related such as eco-parenting with the goal of bringing up our teens to be more mindful of the environment, and gender-free parenting, and engaged technology parenting where parents play multi-player games with their teens instead of watching tv together. However, here is THE BIG FACT: trends come and go. So how do we parent our teens in the modern world without jumping on and off the latest popular bandwagon? How do we provide consistency and address what our teens really need when the world is changing so fast? 

THE GOOD NEWS: 

Human beings are human, they are creatures with emotions, needs, wants, and share certain commonalities such as the need to be heard, understood, to be loved and to be respected. These needs do not change with a changing world. How parents handle their teens has been pretty consistent also, with regard to parenting styles.

Research has shown that of the 4 parenting styles: permissive, neglectful, authoritarian and authoritative, authoritative is the most effective. 

Permissive is the style adopted by parents who are so focused on pleasing their kids, on being approved of by the teens, that they tend to overindulge to avoid conflict; and they tend to be anxious, focused on the outcome such as achievement in school, rather than the process. 

Neglectful is hardly even a “style” of parenting These parent tend to provide little nurturance or guidance and are indifferent to their teen’s social/emotional needs.

Authoritarian is the old style, the “my way or the highway,” in extreme cases and in less extreme, simply more parent-driven, one-way communication with little consideration for their teen’s point of view.

Authoritative (rhymes with “live”) is the ideal style- responsive to your teen’s emotional needs while being able to still set boundaries, say “no,” allow failure as a learning experience, trust natural consequences as a teaching tool rather than intervening and rescuing your teen. 

Authoritative parenting fosters independence and reasoning, critical thinking, allows your teen to figure things out for themselves while providing support, encouragement, and trust. 

Sounds easy doesn’t it? Yet it is so hard to find this balance! And you will not always succeed- and that’s okay! Just as your teen must have the freedom to make mistakes so they can learn, you too need to give yourself a break allow yourself to imperfect. It is okay as long as you are willing to admit it and learn from your own failed effort. In fact, that is one way you actually model self-compassion so your teens don’t beat themselves up when they make mistakes. Authoritative parenting sees the BIG picture- that the crisis of today is not a mountain but a bump and that’s okay. Authoritative teen parenting focuses on the process of becoming rather than on the outcome. As a result, progress is measured not by where your teen needs to be, but by where they have come from.

It’s time to relax more and give yourself a break! Being a “good enough” parent, one who cares about your teen is what is most important. An authoritative parent is one who can listen, validate and empathize while still being able to set boundaries, who can say “no,” who can step in when your teen’s “wants” are just too big for them and ultimately who can just trust the process. Being a “good enough parent,” can help you enjoy your teen more as you allow them to practice independence while they still have their training wheels!