Validation is not Agreeing
Why is it that some days parenting a teen makes you smile, while others leave you feeling confused? Or, you’re worried, hurt, or have an array of other emotions that leave you feeling…okay, inadequate.
The latest occurrence was when your teen caught you off guard by chastising your parenting. Sure, you can see their point. Maybe that recent conversation about chores could have gone better. Yet, being called on the carpet for providing sound guidance was a bit much. At least the resulting tension made you pause to reflect on ways to relate, respond to, and guide your teen.
Semantics Matter: Validation vs. Agreeing
Let’s dig into validation, agreeing, and the potentially hazy confusion between the two. After all, the last thing parents of teens need is linguistic misalignment!
Validation has to do with the act of showing that something is valid, like a scientific outcome. Yet validation can apply to opinions too. And that’s where emotions come into play, especially when someone is taking a firmly rooted position.
Agreement also involves an act, in this case conveying approval. It can be as simple as agreeing to what’s for supper, or as involved as selecting prospective colleges. Thus, agreeing with something your teen says or does means you’re giving them the thumbs-up that what they’re doing or saying is okay.
The Value of Validation & Pitfalls of Agreeing
At times there’s a fine line between validating another’s opinion and agreeing when you’d rather not. Teens can be quite sensitive when expressing opinions. They’re still learning about the nuances between validation and agreement. Thus, they can be affected in various ways, depending on if they feel validated or invalidated.
Some of the positives teens gain when they receive sincere validation are:
Affirmation of their self-worth
Support for their ability to manage emotions
Acknowledgement of their reasoning
An increased trust in their ability to share opinions
The pitfalls for teens when someone inadvertently or falsely agrees with their outlook are:
A reduction in self-esteem
Increased emotional variability
A sense that their thinking is skewed
Feeling distrust about sharing their views
Words & Actions: The Downsides of Mistakenly Mixed Messages
So, what about the interplay of the actions associated with validation and agreeing? They’re the ones that can cause misinterpretation, confusion, and the potential for tense misunderstanding.
To avoid that messiness, it’s worthwhile to touch on the varied forms of communication–in this case, the verbal and body types. Your teen has been watching and learning about your unique style of each since they were a babe in arms. Just as you’ve learned about theirs.
Although you know the principles of active listening, and the value of body language as part of that, avoid misleading your teen by:
Nodding that might be associated with agreeing
Using utterances such as “mmm” or “uh huh” for the same reason
Leaning in too much
Shaking your head, potentially shutting down the dialogue
When it comes to the verbal exchange with your teen, your saying less and listening more is a helpful approach. You can also:
Acknowledge your teen’s honesty
Ask for an example of why they hold that opinion
Express your willingness to learn more without agreeing to their opinion
Scenarios Can Unfold Within Seconds
Parents are regularly put to the test. When thinking about your teen-parent relationship, it sure helps to be on-the-spot ready to respond well. That requires using a clear approach to validation, while avoiding foibles brought on by agreeing, no matter how well meaning it is. Here are scenarios to use as guides. Chances are you’ve already encountered some like these in the recent past.
“How Come They Can Do That and I Can’t?”
This applies to almost everything in an adolescent’s life! Whether it’s social media use, clothing choices, curfew time, or you name it, your teen feels they should be able to do this or that.
Teen: “I just don’t get where you’re coming from? All of my friends get to use their cell phones ALL the time! And that includes the ones you say are from ‘good’ families. I use mine to study and check in to make sure my friends are okay. What’s the big deal?”
Parent: “I hear your point about the value of social media and using your phone for studies. Families have differing opinions about tech use. Ours is for you to have time each day away from screens. It’s not intended to upset you. When you’re ready, we can work together on a media use plan.”
You’re the Grouchiest Parent I Know!
Teen: “You’re scowling again. Do you know how awful you look when you’re mad? Guess what? You’re the grouchiest parent I know!”
Parent: “I’m upset right now, although you aren’t aware of the reasons why. Good for you for recognizing my anger. Today’s issue doesn’t involve you. When you wish, please tell me about the most recent time that I scowled and acted mad with you. Then I can plan other ways to respond when I’m upset.”
Did You Ever Think That I Don’t Want To… (Fill in the Blank)?
Teen: “I don’t want to go to college next year (or take THAT job, join this or that, or wait months before having a car…). Sometimes you make me feel like I’m still in middle school. What’s the deal with that? I’ll be an adult in a few years and there’ll be only so much you can do then.”
Parent: “It sounds like you have lots on your mind about your future. Thank you for describing how you feel. When you want, I’d like to hear more about what I’ve said or done that’s upsetting. Mostly, it would mean a lot to learn more about your thoughts for the future.”
