When Teens Choose a Different Path (Not the One You Planned)

When we hold our infant in our arms and envision who they will become, little do we know that their journey is our journey, that as they discover who they are, we have to let go of who we thought they would be. You may have dreamed of the day your teen graduates college and they announce they don’t want to go. You may have pictured walking your daughter down the aisle, only now “she” wants to become a “he.” You may have imagined your teen will be one of the preppy crowd in high school and they are hanging out with teens who dress “weird” or seem troubled. 

What do we do as parents? Just accept the path they choose as teens? Let them do anything they want? That’s what parents often ask as they struggle with their children’s choices. What is most important is not the path they’ve chosen, but understanding their “why.” Teens today are taking a longer time to find their true path because there are so many options, and so many more stressors. The psychobabble term is “identity moratorium” meaning their path will go horizontally  and even in a maze, rather than in a straight line from A to B. Our role is to keep the dialogue open. We cannot preach. We cannot demand. We can have a good enough relationship with them that we show we are willing to try to understand their point of view. If our relationship with them is good, they will also feel safe enough to hear our point of view. We may not agree, but we can continue to discuss, to investigate, to allow new things, to understand, to ultimately give them the freedom to make an informed decision and to trust that they will ultimately learn. Developing such a relationship starts in the early teen years and as we learn to manage our own fears, anxieties and thwarted dreams, we can become a trusted resource for our teen.