How Shame Impacts Your Self-Worth

Shame. As a stand alone, it can make you think of the statement some people make. “Oh, that’s such a shame.” Sometimes it’s said when whatever it is that happened is rather trivial. Or it can be something sad, like not getting accepted to the college you really hoped to attend.

Here, we’re talking about the shame that you can feel deep down, often keeping it to yourself. It’s a negative emotion that comes about when you feel you’ve done something wrong or downright foolhardy. The feeling can be short-lived or can go on and on, hanging around like a big, black cloud. 

One question addressed in this blog is: How does shame affect your self-worth? You know, the degree to which you value yourself. The stuff that makes you glad to be you. Those can be your unique qualities or knowing that you’re one of the “good” kids that others can rely on.

The other question we respond to here is: Can DBT help me to find a new way of living?

You’ll learn that the answer is ‘yes’ and give you a few ideas of how that happens!

Why Self-worth Matters

Let’s approach the relationship of self-worth and shame by really looking at the value of self-worth. And sure, while thinking of it in the here and now, it’s worth taking a look at how self-worth affects your life over time. As in years...for a long time! Self-worth is about:

• Seeing yourself as having value

• Knowing that you can be loved, by yourself and others

• Realizing that you have positive traits and qualities

• Recognizing what you can do and what has meaning for you

Some people also use the term self-esteem, though there’s a difference between the two. As you’ve likely noticed, some people have low self-esteem that is sometimes surprising as they are:

• Good at one thing, another, or lots of things

• The person you and others can turn to in confidence

• Too quick to berate themselves when there’s no reason to do so

On the other hand, there are people with high self-esteem that may not be justified, such as those who:

• See themselves as better than others even though that’s not true

• Tend to be judgmental and demean others’ abilities or life situations

What this means is that there are days when your self-esteem could be better, yet your self-worth is doing okay. When that’s the case you:

• Know who to turn to for a laugh, hug, or boost

• You’re good at boosting friends and family when they need it

• You figure out how to give your self-esteem some tender loving care by:

  • Seeking out help for what you wish would be better

  • Talking about what you’re feeling with someone you trust, like your therapist

  • Doing something you’re good at to balance out the ‘less than’ feelings

• Remind yourself of the things you love about yourself, even the silly things!

Shame and Why It Affects Self-worth

The issue with shame is that it gets in the way of feeling loveable. It makes a person feel like:

• There’s a cloud over them that others can see

• They wish they could change who they are and/or the way they act or think

• They don’t deserve their family, friends, and way of life

• It’s hard to talk with anyone about what they’re feeling because people will judge them

Over time, these thoughts can become beliefs about self. At that point a person’s view of being valuable and someone others can love, begins to lessen. This means that over time someone with reduced self-worth:

• Overlooks or minimizes their value to others

• Fails to acknowledge or further develop their skills, talents, and interests

• Is more likely to engage in risky behaviors

• Finds it harder to take good care of themselves or make healthy choices

• Can be easily swayed by others or not stand up for themselves 

Using DBT to Reduce Shame & Boost Self-worth

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) uses practical methods to help people who are feeling shame to protect or improve their feelings of self-worth. This includes being able to take part in DBT sessions using telehealth as well as in-person sessions. Sometimes there even are group telehealth sessions!

The big question is: How does DBT help you to reduce shame and its negativity? The answer has several parts, those being that with DBT, you:

• Have the support and guidance of a therapist who knows the benefits of DBT

• Learn to get in touch with your emotions, recognizing how they make you feel physically and mentally

• Use regular activities and practices to focus on the present moment 

• Get to share what you are learning and doing with your family

• Can participate in group sessions with other teens, hearing what works for improving their self-worth

What Are Examples of DBT Activities that Boost Self-worth?

Your self-worth gets a boost each time you do something that helps you feel good physically and/or emotionally. Your DBT therapist guides you by helping you to learn:

• How to use mindfulness and practices like yoga to become attuned to your surroundings and body 

• The ideas behind Wise Mind so that you can distinguish between being observant and becoming too emotional

• Simple steps to calm yourself when you feel overwhelmed by situations and emotions, such as:

  • Listening to or playing your favorite music

  • Doing something physical

  • Stepping away from things that are bothersome, like bright lights or too much noise or quiet

Those of us at Mindful Healing use DBT all the time with teens and families. We know through both professional and personal experience how much they can support you and your self-worth!