Parents’ Guide to Your Teen’s Emotional Outbursts

It is so easy to give advice for how to deal with your teen’s emotional outbursts when you are not in the midst of your teen’s screaming fit, or crying jag, or being the target of their verbal abuse or even watching them physically act out., throwing things or shoving you.   Your own emotions may run the full gauntlet: wanting to shout back, wanting to invade their space and hug them into comfort, wanting to demand respect, wanting to restrain them, wanting to…. just wanting…. the situation to quiet down and go away.

What do you do? First, always first, take a deep deep breath. As you do so, step back and try to emotionally detach. Yes, it can be done! Your first goal is to de-escalate the situation.

Use a neutral tone. Use neutral words (no commands, no “you” phrases, no assumptions or accusations). 

Put on an empathetic supportive expression- yes! No matter what you are thinking and feeling in this moment, it is not about you, but about what is triggering them and how to get them to calm down and just talk to you. 

Those techniques work when your teen is frustrated, hurt, feeling ashamed, or catastrophizing. There are times, however, when….let’s face it… your teen is acting like a “spoiled brat”- at least it feels that way. When your teen just doesn’t like being told “no” and then has an outburst, it may be because they have learned that is how to get their way. They have learned how to emotionally bully you!  The first three steps: breathing, neutral tone, empathy are still necessary, but given the dynamic that is already in place, the next and most important step is:

Holding The Line: Have boundaries that are reasonable (i.e. don’t ground them for a month in anger). Have consequences that they know ahead of time and know you will follow through. Calmly state that you are sorry they have chosen the consequences through their behavior and stick with it. They will escalate if they have been successful at getting you to back down repeatedly. Your goal for yourself to endure the prolonged outburst without backing down. Eventually and it could be many times before they realize you mean it, they will learn how to accept the ‘no,” how to delay gratification and how to stop using tantrums as a way to control you! In the end, it will be worth it- for all of you!