Internalized Family Messages

“I am selfish.” “I am lazy,” “I don’t deserve happiness.” “I am the black sheep.” “I will never be as good as my brother.” “I’m important.” “I deserve to get what I want because I am (beautiful, smart, etc.) “I can solve problems.” “I am pretty.” “I am smart.” “I have character because I am honest and loving.”

As you can see, not all family messages are negative. And all of us have beliefs about ourselves that have influenced decisions we have made and have affected our ability to handle the curves that life sends us. The messages I grew up with are selfish, lazy, pretty, smart, I will be able to do whatever I decide with my life, I have my head in the clouds, I am naïve.

Not all of those messages are true today. I do not have my head in the clouds and I am not naïve. I am not pretty because age took care of that (LOL) but I was. I am still lazy and selfish and I monitor that within myself to make sure I do not impose that side of myself too much on others. On the upside, my “selfishness” has protected me from being in abusive relationships or being taken advantage of by others and when I give, it is not out of obligation so it is always done freely without a “you owe me” clause. 

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I want to send the message that you, as parents, are going to give your teens messages, both negative and affirming, that they will carry into adulthood, even when you don’t intend to! What you can do is identify your own internalized messages, what you have learned to accept about yourself, what you have discarded and what you have changed. In a teachable moment, when the time is right, share with your teen, role model for them that not only are we not perfect, but that self-acceptance, change and growth are part of being human and who they are now in all their glory and their downside, is worth loving!