The Power of Validation
When our teens come to us with problems, big or small, our first instinct is usually to try and solve the problem:
Did they forget to do their homework? Help them make a reminder system.
Did they get a bad grade on a test? Call the teacher. Hire a tutor. Help them study!
Do they feel left out because their friends didn’t invite them to the party? Call their friend’s parents…or They aren’t real friends anyway!
Offering solutions can feel like the best parenting practice, but it often causes more harm than good. Oftentimes, when our teenagers approach us with problems, they aren’t asking for advice but looking for us to be supportive and acknowledge that what they are feeling is difficult.
When teens are struggling one of the best things we can do is listen without judgment and offer validation.
What is validation?
Validation is a way to use reflective listening to communicate the following to your teen:
I understand why you feel this way
Your feelings are important
I support you
Validation can be as simple as restating your teen’s feelings and that you understand why they feel how they feel.
Important: Validating feelings does not equal agreement. You can validate that you understand how and why your teen feels a certain way without agreeing with what or why they feel that way.
Why should you validate your teen’s feelings?
Validating your teen’s feelings is one of the most important tools in a parent’s tool belt. It shows your teens that you support them and will continue to support them, so they can speak more openly with you about their problems.
Validating emotions will help your child learn to trust their emotions, leading to increased emotion regulation.
Practicing validation
Validation can be easier said than done. Here are some tips to help you get started at practicing validation with your teen:
Listen. Have good eye contact and soft body language to show you are actively listening and when in doubt, don’t speak.
Restate their feelings. Restate what you heard your teen say and include their feelings. Not sure if you are right? Ask for clarification!
Show acceptance. Even if you don’t agree with what your teen said or did, make sure you let your teen know that you understand their feelings.
Following these steps will make it easier for your teen to feel heard and validated, increasing the likelihood that they share their problems with you. AND you will be surprised how quickly a problem can de-escalate when you begin with validation!
Let us know how these validation tips and tools go for you. If you need more support with validation or other parenting tools, contact us today!
