Parenting to Empty Nest
The goal of a good parent is to raise our children to become responsible, self-sufficient adults who do not need us! Our goal is to be able to kick them out of the nest so they can fly on their own. This transition is often hard for many parents and it is important to keep in mind the difference between “I love you because I need you” and “I need you because I love you”! When your child no longer needs you to help them, guide them, do things for them, they will need you simply because they love you and that love enhances their life. That is a healthy need and our goal as parents is to have our children become independent, healthy young adults who are capable of loving relationships with other healthy people.
How do we make this happen?
Allow them to make mistakes: It is better for our teens to make mistakes while they are still under our roof, still have our support and are in a safe enough environment to recover more fully then being alone and on their own. When they make mistakes while a teen, you can help them explore what went wrong, what did they learn, and what will they do differently in the future. That collaboration between you and your teen sends them the message that they are capable of learning, growing and ultimately managing their lives.
Provide structure and be prepared to be the bad guy when they take too many risks: Allowing your teen to make mistakes doesn’t mean they can run amuk! It means they can take some risks and discover failure, discover how to learn from their own consequences while at the same time, trusting you to be able to take control while they do not have the maturity or discipline to put their needs before their wants.
Give them more responsibilities.
Have them be accountable. They missed that therapy appointment because they forgot? Have them work to pay some of it off. They dented the car? No driving for a set period of time. They stayed way too late at a friend’s house and missed curfew? Discuss what made them decide to do that and what do they need from you so it won’t happen again.
Remember, you have only as much power as your teen is willing to give you and that willingness is a product of their relationship and respect for you. It means they feel you “get them” and that they ultimately want to rise UP to your expectations. As they learn to do this, as they start to spread their wings, they will ultimately soar and you will rejoice when they are ready to leave the nest! Why? Because their relationship with you is such that they will always fly back to visit!