Parents: Don’t Take Your Teen’s Attitude Personally

What does having an attitude look like? Sometimes a teen just doesn’t want to do something and is resistant to all your endeavors to get them to cooperate. Sometimes having an attitude is about being unpleasant to be around, being surly, moody, negative. Sometimes having an attitude is being overly-confident, cocky, not willing to listen to your wisdom and respect your restrictions. Sometimes having an attitude is being argumentative so that no matter what you say, you are in the wrong. Sometimes having an attitude means they… are…just…. plain rude! 

Most of us, when we have to deal with “attitude”, would like to be able to just get them to stop it and do/be what we want them to be. Some of us let our feelings get hurt or become offended because they are being disrespectful. What do you do?

The key is to remember that when your teen has an attitude, it is not at all about you! In fact, when you come back at that attitude directly, authoritatively, they are more likely to push back. You are not hearing the hidden message. You are reacting to the attitude not the feeling underneath that is causing them to respond as they do. It doesn’t mean that their feeling is “right”- going to see sick Aunt Thelma may be a family obligation and too bad they can’t go to the movies with their friend. However, their disappointment needs to be validated,- not agreed with, but empathized with. It is disappointing. They may be rude and disrespectful because they are frustrated and feeling unheard. They may be moody because something is bothering them that they haven’t been able to share or don’t have to words to express, or don’t even know, themselves, what it is. 

Remember:  it may just be that you are the person they are taking their feelings out on because they are safe with you.  Is that okay to do it that way? No. However, how you handle it – calmly, with a focus on them, not your feelings, will make all the difference!