The Key to Resolving Family Conflict

Ah, if only there were just one key! Family conflict is such a complex beast. The more people in the family, the more conflict and it is exponential. Two kids, means double the conflict; three kids can mean 9 times the conflict. Add to that the stresses between mom and dad who may not always be on the same page and… well, you get the picture! 

So how do you go about trying to find a resolution when there is conflict? Try this experiment:

First, understand, every family member involved in the conflict needs a voice. One of the best ways to handle that is a controlled family meeting. There needs to be only one topic. You can’t re-build Rome in a day! Each person has a chance to have the floor. Whoever has the floor (can hold a pillow or an item to represent, “my turn”),  can speak nonstop, uninterrupted to get out their feelings. The other family members then are NOT to debate the “facts,” but to simply say, without interpretation, what they heard that family member say. Each person gets to have their say in the same way and gets to hear how what they said was heard. If a family member didn’t hear acxurately what the person was trying to say, then that person needs to rephrase it so it can be heard. The goal is to make sure that everyone is hearing accurately the others’ viewpoints. It doesn’t mean they agree with them. Every person knows they will have a turn to share their version of the situation.

Step two is the harder part: Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. In discussing the differing version of the facts. each person is to ask themselves, if the facts were as the other person presented them, how would I react. Because of our histories we have with each other, we tend to interpret another person’s viewpoint through a boatload of assumptions. Not only that, but our actions don’t always reflect our intentions,  The goal here is Not to Win the argument, but to try to build a bridge between each other. By giving the other, the benefit of the doubt, and by getting our own pride out of the equation, resolution can take place and there can be peace rather than conflict.

Of course, resolving family conflict doesn’t have to be so formal. The important principles to remember are: hearing accurately what the other is struggling with regard to the situation; being willing to give them the benefit of the doubt; being heard and validating others; not having to win; not taking things personally, being willing to find a bridge, common ground in order to move forward.