Understanding a Parent’s Role In Therapy
Parents often struggle with how involved they should be in their teens’ therapy and what is appropriate or inappropriate. I have seen the full range in attitudes: “I want this to be my daughter’s (or son) time with her therapist, away from me, so she can open up and not worry about what I will think”; “I expect you to share with me everything that is going on”; “I want to manipulate you to get my teen to do what I want”; “I don’t need any contact with you because I need you to simply fix them’; “I understand the need for confidentiality and appreciate monthly updates as to my teen’s progress and I trust that if there is something I need to know regarding my child being a danger to himself or others, you will tell me.”
There are parents who are terrified they will be seen as bad parents and parents who are earnestly reflective and are having a hard time figuring out what was their role, if any, in their teen’s issues vs how much of it is their child’s need to be accountable. There are parents who are not sure how much they should push their child into engaging in therapy and parents who are quick to give in to their child’s wants, such as canceling an appointment to go to a social event, even when the parent knows their teen needs consistency and needs to be responsible for keeping their appointments/commitments. Finally there are parents who grill their teen as to what was said in therapy or send the message that because the outcome is not happening as fast as they think it should, therapy isn’t working. And there are parents who understand the progress is measured from where their teen is coming from, not where they need to be.
In the therapist’s mind, the ideal parent is a concerned parent who understands the child needs an emotionally safe place to share their struggles with someone who is not going to judge them, while at the same time, can confront them when they need it and provide skills to help them cope. The concerned parent is open to feedback from the therapist as to how they can make a difference and is willing to trust the therapist to help their child.
The role of the parent is to be there to listen to their child, should their teen want to share what they are doing in therapy, to be able to identify progress from where their teen has come from, to listen and validate even when they don’t agree, and to understand that while their teen’s perception of reality (such as parents’ treatment of them) may be skewed, it won’t always remain that way, that as their child heals, their views will change. The concerned parent is capable of trusting the therapeutic process and providing quiet support and hope to their teen.
Ultimately, the parent’s role during therapy is to provide support, validation, not be intrusive, but be aware, to see that their teen gets to their appointments despite resistance, and to trust that they have put their teen in good hands.