Validation for the Win!
When our teens come to us with problems, big or small, our first instinct is usually to try and solve the problem:
Did they get a poor grade on their science test? Help them make flashcards and teach them to study more!
Are they upset about getting not making the cheerleading team? Call the school. Hire a coach. Practice! Remember there’s always next year!
Do they feel sad because their friends aren’t’ including them? Call their friends parents…or Those aren’t real friends anyway!
While it might seem like offering solutions to these problems is the best parenting strategy, it can actually do more harm than good.
Oftentimes, when our teenagers approach us with problems, it is not because they are looking for a solution, but rather because they want us to listen, acknowledge their feelings, and provide support. When teens are struggling one of the best things we can do is listen without judgment and offer validation.
What is validation?
Validation is a way to show your teen that you understand how they feel, and you support them through active listening and positive regard.
When you validate your teen, you are communicating the following:
I hear what you are saying
I understand why you feel this way
Your feelings are important
I support you
Validation can be as simple as restating your teen’s feelings and telling them that you understand why they feel how they feel.
Remember, that validating your teen’s feelings does NOT necessarily mean that you agree with what they are saying or doing. It simply means that you are listening and given their experience you understand their perspective and emotions.
Why should you validate your teen’s feelings?
Validating your teen’s feelings is one of the most important tools in a parent’s tool belt. It shows your teens that you support them and will continue to support them, so they can speak more openly with you about their problems.
Validating emotions will help your child learn to trust their emotions and to talk to others when facing distress. This will help them to deal with their emotions in a healthier way as an adult.
Validation is such an important skill to help regulate emotions. One major aspect of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is learning how to express emotions and ask for help through skills such as validation. You can help your child process significant emotions as they grow older by validating their feelings at an early age.
Practicing validation
Validation can be easier said than done. Here are some strategies to help you get started at practicing validation at home with your teen:
· Listen. Show signs of active listening so that your teenager knows you care. When in doubt, don’t speak.
Restate their feelings. The best way for you to know that you understand what your teenager is feeling is to restate what you heard your teen say. Ask for clarification if needed.
Show acceptance. Even if you don’t agree with what your teen said or did, make sure you let your teen know that you understand their feelings.
If you follow these steps, it will be easier for your teen to feel validated when they approach you with the problems that are going on in their life. They will be more likely to come to you with problems. AND you will be surprised how quickly a problem can de-escalate when you begin with validation!
Let us know how these strategies go for you. If you need more support with validation or other parenting tools, contact us today!
