You Can’t Change Your Teen

One of the most important things I learned when I was a student in the field was that the power you have over your teen comes from how much power they are willing to give you. You cannot change your teen. You cannot demand they be or act or think differently than they do! 

Hard news? Not necessarily. 

Because the good news is that if the relationship between you and your teen is an emotionally safe one for your teen, they will give you more of a say in their lives. If that relationship is a healthy one, they will only push you so far before they pull back. If the relationship is a healthy one, they will hear you even when they resist and ultimately will comply. 

What makes a parent-teen relationship emotionally safe? 

A parent who can correct without coming off as judgmental; a parent who sends the message that it is okay for their child to have different values, different aspirations, different ideas, different beliefs than the parent’s. That’s a tough one, but it is important to remember that developmentally your teen is approaching the age where they will be exploring to determine what values they want to keep, which their parents taught them, and what they want to throw out. This is called becoming a mature adult! Allowing them to be different from you (even if you are a little secretly-emphasize “secretly” disappointed) will allow them to make the transition to adulthood in a way that they can manage their lives and be productive, loving human beings, even if it is different than what you had envisioned!