5 Tools to Conquer Perfectionism

It’s interesting how different words can bring up vivid images and feelings. Perfectionism sure can be one of those! It brings up thoughts of all the skill it takes to do something so well that it is perfect. From skiing a perfect run to creating a flawless design, be it architecture or high fashion. And none of those come close to the perfection needed to be a leading surgeon.

When and how does our view of perfectionism begin? And, what must it be like for your adolescent, with so many pressures from all sorts of directions? At times you have an idea of what it must be like, as you know how much social pressure there is to be a perfect parent. 

And there are as many stumbling blocks to that as there are pressures. Work, community, family at home, and extended family all bring up thoughts and feelings of how hard it is to be good at all or most of these, never mind being perfect.

Good for you for thinking this way, as you’re putting yourself in a place of being understanding and empathetic for what your teen is feeling. Now that you know that, it’s time to take steps to guide them in conquering the idea of being perfect. After all, you love your teen for who they are.

Identify the Source

There are three steps to take with your teen before moving on to the 5 “Take Action” tools. This first step is to identify the source of seeking perfection. For some teens, it’s internal, created by their own drive and determination. For others it’s an external source like a teacher, coach, or even you or their other parent. 

Then, of course, there are broad social pressures. Social media makes it hard to look at self in a positive light, regardless of age. And it’s especially hard for young people.

Your teen may say that they feel the need to be perfect for all of these reasons. Rest assured, the next step will help to hone in on the one that’s most troublesome.

Name the Trigger

Ah, the trigger, as in one specific source that makes your teen cringe, become anxious, or want to outwardly rebel. Maybe it’s tests in a particular subject, or being called on the carpet by a coach. It may be that a certain appealing person expects perfection in dress, hairstyle, or group of friends. 

Introduce this trigger topic slowly, giving your adolescent time to think it over. Let them know this is not about judging them or another person. It’s simply about identifying the external or internal source behind the need to be perfect. Working with perfectionism is easier when they know what is most troublesome.

Describe the Feeling

This third step can really help your teen to clearly know the root of any perfectionistic tendencies they have. It’s how it makes them feel. Anything from sweaty or sick to their stomach, to causing a headache or sore shoulders. Your teen can even use this to rate the degree of feeling. For instance the thought of getting a perfect grade on an algebra test may make them sweat, but the idea of picking out the right outfit to please a certain someone causes utter misery.

This approach helps them to compare the sources and triggers of perfectionism. They can then move on to taking action, selecting one as their trial. Please remind them that they do not need to be perfect at ridding themselves of perfectionism. It’s okay to have this conversation with some humor, as lightness is one way to take the edge off something that affects your child almost every day.

Take Action

Reducing perfectionism isn’t something to simply wish away. It requires consistency and learning to roll with the ups and downs of what works and what doesn’t. These “Take Action” tools are what this blog’s title alludes to. Concrete steps that your teen can take to wrestle with that perfection beast. Even if it’s just to coax it into fading away now and again.

Mindfulness or Begin by Being Present

The first action is to practice mindfulness. Put another way, it’s to begin by being present. What that means to your teen is paying attention to this very minute. How they feel, what their senses are telling them, what they’re thinking, and whatever they’re observing. They’re checking in with their emotions and senses, if they’re hot, cold, or just right. Is their energy high, low, or in the middle?

As your teen brings themselves to right now, this minute, there’s not as much room for obsessive, troubling perfectionistic thoughts to enter. When they do, your teen can take a breath, reminding them that this minute is what matters. Not the test coming up, or if they didn’t make their bed, or forgot to put the… You get the point. What matters most is the here and now.

Keep Track

Yes, keeping track of how we’re feeling, or what prompted the perfectionistic monstrosity to interrupt the day, takes time. When you get right down to it, not much. Especially when you and your teen consider the rewards. First, keeping track doesn’t require perfection. 

To start with they’ll want to know what they’re tracking. Good point! Go back to the steps above. Your teen will track the source, trigger, or feeling they associate with trying to be perfect. By naming it and then knowing it, they can track it. Remind them that annoying things don’t like to be tracked, as it robs them of power. The point is to recognize patterns. In doing so, your teen can prepare and make choices.

Delete “Should”

Have you ever thought of how many times a day you think or say “should?” Neither have I, as I’d probably be astounded! Why do we “should” ourselves as we do? And if we do so as somewhat or highly successful adults, what about the teens in our lives? 

Perhaps it’s time to delete “should” as much as possible from our inner and outer talk. Replace it with “I chose to” or “my preference is,” as in “I chose to leave my bed unmade today.” Or, “I prefer to sit and talk with my friends instead of proofreading that paper for the fifth time.” Shoulds are gone, replaced by assertive statements based on strengthened self-esteem.

Embrace Beginner’s Mind

Think about the last time you needed to learn something new. Maybe it was how to hook up a new gizmo at home, or learn a new process at work. Here you are, you’ve done things like this more times than you can count, yet you feel like a newbie! What do you do? You take a deep breath, relying on past experiences to guide your actions.

Well, your teen is gaining skills and self-reliance, yet they’re not fully there. Maybe they don’t like feeling like a beginner as it undermines their confidence. Or makes them feel like they’re in second grade again. This is the time to talk about the beauty of beginner’s mind! 

Yes, they’ll give you ‘that’ look. Proceed anyway, complimenting them on whatever it is they’re embarking on. Beginning something new is exciting, shows courage, a sense of adventure, and the ability to embrace life. All of that is stuff to celebrate! In other words, this is not the time to worry about being perfect. Being in a beginner's mind can get messy. There are mistakes and those lead to really good lessons. Including the fun one can miss in the midst of seeking perfection at every turn.

It’s the Process that Matters!

That last statement pretty much sums it up. Perfectionism can get in the way of joy, special moments, and feeling good about yourself and others. The process matters because that’s where your teen learns about self as well as life, subject matter, or the thousand things that lie before them. Talk with your teen about process with a concrete example. That paper that worries them is most likely to be finished on time if they write first. Get the content on the page. Then go back and work on punctuation, change a word here or there, remembering that for now they did their best, even if it wasn’t perfect.

Here at Mindful Healing it is our process with you that motivates our work. We want to know you, what works for you, and where you want most to take action with your teen.