Foster Connection By Asking Meaningful Questions
What’s a parent to do? You can tell that your teen has lots on their mind. You can tell by the deafening silence, the dejected hang of their head, or a really long stretch of texting time.
You know the value of giving your adolescent space, yet all sorts of thoughts spin through your mind. You wonder what’s going on. Is it something concerning or just one of those moods they get into? As you think about it, that’s a question you could rephrase and pose to your child. Then again, you’re somewhat hesitant to ask questions. There have been times when that’s sort of backfired.
This is a good time to rethink the value of questions in certain circumstances. From there it’s possible to make them meaningful. These are the sort of questions that work. They do so for your teen and you as they foster connection.
Meaningful Is…
The synonyms for meaningful actually are a guide for framing questions that will foster connection rather than create a divide. Synonyms for meaningful can guide the process of determining when to seek information by posing questions. They include:
Significant
Revealing
Consequential
Important
Weighty
You’re seeking to learn more about your teen by conveying your love and support. This adds the value of building connection between the two of you. At the same time, your inquiry may be due to circumstances that have enduring effects for one or both of you.
As you think about this, there are times when it helps to turn to other people. Conversing about what’s on your mind and your desire to connect in new ways can lead to learning from others’ experiences.
Connecting With Your Teen
Letting go means releasing control. Doing so opens the door to connection. For this to happen parents find they need to reckon with their own fears and anxieties. Being able to do so means that you can steer clear of questions that feel controlling to your adolescent. At the same time, you can explore:
Why you are worried for your child,
Ways to honor their individuality without their being in harm’s way, and
The outcomes that show you and your teen are really connecting with each other.
The Art of Framing a Question
At this point, you must be thinking, “All I wanted to know is what drug they’re using,” or “When’s the last time you did X with your friends?” That’s why there’s an art to posing meaningful questions. Sometimes they may feel scripted. The point is to come up with questions that are respectful, help you to learn more about what’s current in your child’s life and mind, and let them know you’re there for them. Doing so means that questioning works when posed in a way that has meaning for your teen as well as for you.
Active Listening
Framing a meaningful question is built upon listening to what your teen is expressing. Yes, that can mean hearing as much what is not stated, as what is shared. Active listening is about being observant and silent as well as being actively engaged in conversation.
As you watch your teen’s interactions with other people, at school, home, and in the community, you glean insights that help with framing questions. This can lead to a reflective question or response, such as…”What do you think was behind your friend’s statement?” Or, “We can talk about that more when you want.”
Start Simple & Slow
Even if you have a sense of urgency, you can begin by framing a simple question. Ideas include:
What was the most boring part of your day?
Is there another route you’d like to drive to add to your driving hours?
Who’s someone famous that you’d like to talk with in-person?
Listen closely to their response. That can mean leaning in and nodding your head as you listen for key points. That might be one word or phrase. Even something seemingly simple can prompt other questions or a reflective statement, such as “Let me know if you want to talk about that some more.” Take your time responding, lest your teen feel like you're going into control mode.
Letting Go
Posing a question may not turn out as you had hoped. Your adolescent may roll their eyes, tell you it’s not your business, or walk away. Your next step is to let go. This too can foster connection as they realize you got their message. At that point you can let your teen know you’ll respect their wishes, while letting them know they can come back to talk with you at any time.
Learn Without Questioning
Another way to learn what’s happening in your teen’s life, or what’s on their mind, is by turning a question into a statement. Doing so can also convey interest in an active way, including:
I’d love to hear about the most exciting thing you’ve done this summer.
Yesterday you said something about there being awful changes at school. Please fill me in when you feel like it.
Leaving it to your adolescent to take the next step fosters connections as you’re letting them decide what happens next. Doing so supports their autonomy in a way that can make them feel closer to you.
