Parents: Let Go of What You Can't Control
Most likely you’ve read that the only person you can control is yourself. It’s the same for each of us, even when we’d rather defy that wisdom. It’s all well and good when it comes to interacting with adults. And even then, if only they would…fill in the blank! Yet the idea of letting go of what you can’t control with your teen is the stuff that makes for sleepless nights. After all, they have all these adolescent issues. Plus there are all kinds of pressures, and the influences of social media add to your concerns.
What Control Is and Is Not
Thinking about control quickly becomes thinking about expectations. The ones you have for yourself as a parent and those you have for your children. Let’s face it, control comes in when the two don’t mesh or are downright opposed. Then what happens?
Control sets in wearing the face of how you respond.
One definition has to do with having the power to direct another person’s behavior.
That form of power can extend to making choices for another.
The manner in which any of us responds from this place of power can be:
Intimidating
Demeaning
Certainly not how we want to be treated
As parental response escalates, teens are likely to push back.
Think of how you may be being willful, as in exerting your will, one form of control.
Take time to reflect if some of this is related to your own thwarted dreams. Be honest with yourself and your teen about those, talking them over when the time is right.
What Control Looks & Feels Like For Teens
As an adult and a parent you’ve learned the value of stepping back to take a long-range view of certain situations. It might be interactions at work, issues with your spouse or friends, or seeking a new approach to any form of challenge. Now’s the time to do the same with your kid. Yes, it’s easier said than done. Despite that, there are steps to take to get in touch with what control feels like for any child, tween, or teen.
Teens don’t respond well to coercion. They’re likely to see this as a direction to do something, making it feel like a form of control. Any of us as adults have our own responses to uninvited directions. We might feel a tight jaw or stomach, issue a curse under our breath, or step out of the way. Then again, we might choose to take a deep breath and gradually relax as we realize that this is about someone else’s need to be in charge.
At this point in life your teen is learning about their own beliefs, values, and choices. With that, they’re figuring out that some of those you’re okay with, and others not so much!
Take Time to Talk It Out
One thing that a lot of parents desire is to have some things in common with their children. They want to have a connection, that sense of togetherness that builds memories over time. If you’re feeling a sense of disconnection between you and your teen, it may be time to talk it out. Of course, that’s likely to mean lots of active listening on your part! You’ll want to:
Be ready to hear about all the things you could be better about…some may surprise you!
Listen for your teen’s need for validation, especially from you.
Pay attention to your body language by:
Being as relaxed as possible.
Leaning in to let your child know you’re listening, doing so without hovering, of course.
Nodding your head in recognition of what’s being said, without overdoing it.
Discuss how to proceed ahead of time, such as:
Establishing if you can interrupt a little to ask clarifying questions.
Letting your teen decide how long the talk time will be.
Agreeing to call it quits when they’re ready to do so.
Consider what you’re going to do to reward yourselves afterward.
DBT for Releasing Control
Just as teens learn to manage their emotions and responses to stimuli by using dialectical behavior therapy tools, so too can parents. There are those to do together, such as breathing and yoga. One way to start is with Calming our Minds practices.
These tips really work!
The key is in keeping up with their use and trying them out in different settings. Home, work, driving, and air travel are but a few places where “being one-mindful” can be quite useful.
The “grounding techniques” work really well before a dental appointment or meeting with one of your teen’s teachers. After all, you want both sorts of occurrences to go well, while being as painless as possible. For everyone!
Last on the list is practicing How to Forgive Yourself.
You’re a human being who’s parenting an adolescent, at least one, maybe more.
Chances are you’ll slip, lose your cool, and feel like you’re back to square one with letting go of control.
Try out some of the things in the article.
Later on, talk with your teen about what you’re doing to work on control issues.
Comparing notes and working toward mindful, compassionate exchanges can go a long way toward softening and releasing control.
We know that these many months have involved all kinds of control, or feeling lack of it, because of Covid-19. Talking with your teen about how they’re feeling about these months and circumstances will offer you insights about your child, and hopefully some for them about you.
